


The Rules Are the First to Go

by ofamaranthlie



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Constipation, Fluff, Goodbyes, M/M, Soft and sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-07-29
Packaged: 2018-07-27 10:32:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7614655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ofamaranthlie/pseuds/ofamaranthlie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hux has been in the military a long time.  He’s used to watching heartfelt farewells and listening to the aching, heavy words exchanged between loved ones who may never see each other again.</p>
<p>He isn’t used to participating in them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Rules Are the First to Go

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by "Girl in the War" by Josh Ritter and my need for pain. The title and lyrics are from the same song.

  _But I got a girl in the war Paul the only thing I know to do_  
_Is turn up the music and pray that she makes it through_

_Ten minutes to departure._

“You’re going to be late,” Hux says.

His voice is nearly swallowed by the sound of bustling voices and movement in the docking station just down the hallway, full of ‘troopers: most getting into formation for the upcoming mission, but others lingering at the large entrance to the station with spouses and children, murmuring promises of their returns they have no way of keeping. Hux had weaved through the sea of white armor and emotions to make his way to Kylo, who waited down the hallway; the worried tones of loved ones who will be left behind followed him with each step. _Weakness_ , he calls it. _Weakness_ , he calls it when Kylo ignores Hux’s warning in favor of resting his hands on Hux’s hips, a warm, firm reminder that _not yet, I’m not leaving yet_ , and Hux’s resolve nearly shatters.

Hux has been in the military a long time. He’s used to watching heartfelt farewells and listening to the aching, heavy words exchanged between loved ones who may never see each other again.

He isn’t used to participating in them.

Calling forth decades of discipline in order to keep a straight face, he sighs in the way he always does whenever Kylo exasperates him (endears himself to him) and he doesn’t miss the way Kylo’s lips turn up at the corners, though the ghost of a smile doesn’t reach his eyes. Hux makes the mistake of meeting his gaze for the first time this meeting, and he nearly drowns in the wide, deep emotion in his eyes, a raw combination of awe, fear, and something Hux does not deign to name – the very same emotion that makes his chest ache, his soul unraveling like gossamer thread.

_Weakness._

And it’s that weakness that brings them here, tucked away in a secluded hallway by the docking station, peering at each other in the dim light and desperately clinging to the remaining minutes they have. _Minutes._ Hux isn’t naïve enough to believe they are promised more than that. He knows the nature of the mission. He knows the calculations, the ones that say they very well may return with less than half of the crew if the tiniest error occurs. He knows Snoke is throwing his prized apprentice to the frontline in his most dangerous mission yet, and no matter how many times Hux tells himself he isn’t affected by that, it doesn’t change the way his blood runs cold at the thought he might be seeing Kylo off for the last time.

Kylo must know too, must feel the weight of finality that hangs between them like an executioner’s blade. Hux can see it in Kylo’s eyes, can feel it when he places his ungloved hand on the curve of Kylo’s cheek and Kylo meets him halfway, all but nuzzling into his palm.

_Eight minutes to departure._

“You didn’t have to come,” Kylo all but murmurs against Hux’s skin, and when Hux shivers, he’s not sure if it’s from the tickle of Kylo’s breath or indignation at his words.

“Shut up,” he says when he means _of course I did, you absolute idiot, how could I not?_

Kylo’s eyes almost look wet in the poor lighting. Maybe he heard that.

They shuffle closer, noses brushing as Hux traces down the strong line of Kylo’s jaw, down to his neck, then over his silly, oversized ears (that he’s going to miss kissing when the lights are out and they’re tangled in bed, _stars, what have you become_ ). He tries to keep the touches light, but then Kylo’s squeezing his hips and running his hands up Hux’s back, and Hux has to bite his lip to keep from saying something stupid, something that those damned ‘troopers and their families are saying to each other like it will change anything.

The feather-light press of lips on his forehead grounds him and breaks him at the same time, and before he can second guess himself, he grabs two fistfuls of Kylo’s robes and all but smashes their lips together in a kiss that’s almost more pain than pleasure, unspoken words pouring between them as they steal this final moment together, hidden away in shadows and dying light. The taste is bittersweet, and Hux doesn’t want to stop; he doesn’t want to let go, and if he doesn’t know if he means _right now_ or _ever_ , but it doesn’t matter, not when Kylo is all but clinging to Hux like if he holds on just tight enough, he can take a piece of Hux with him on this mission, like that might somehow be enough to save him from whatever cruel hell his Master has damned him to.

_Five minutes_ _to departure._

They pull back slowly, barely an inch between them as they pant against each other’s lips, press their foreheads close together again. His fingers tremble as he rubs his thumb across Kylo’s cheek again and again, brushing away a wetness that wasn’t there before, which no, okay, he can’t handle Kylo crying right now. If he cries, then Hux is going to lose his composure, and it’ll be embarrassing for everyone involved and _he’s not going to do that, dammit._

Hux doesn’t realize how much he tensed up until he can feel Kylo’s hands skim across his shoulders, and his body reacts to the touch, malleable beneath Kylo’s clever hands. He can’t quite make eye contact again, though. He doesn’t want to see what Kylo’s expressive eyes show; he doesn’t want Kylo to see through him, either.

Kylo’s lips ghost across his own, more caress than kiss as his hands slide down Hux’s sides, both calming and reverent. “One cycle. It’s just one cycle and I’ll be back.”

It’s the same words the Stormtroopers and lower officers tell their families, and Hux makes a sound that he hopes doesn’t come off as desperate as he feels. “I know you will.”

(Lies. Kylo may never return. His last memory of the Knight may be of him in this cramped hallway, all warm breath, vulnerable eyes, and empty words.)

“You’ll enjoy the peace,” Kylo insists, and Hux knows he’s trying to soften the blow with jesting because they’re both too fucking proud and no one taught them how to say goodbye.

“Of course. Whatever will I do without you terrorizing my ship?” Hux’s voice is dry as he pulls back, meeting Kylo’s eyes at last, knowing full well that Kylo can see, can hear what Hux really means. _What will I do without you, when you never come back?_

Kylo takes Hux’s face in his large hands, his face softening into something sad. “Miss me, probably.”

_Last call. Departure in two minutes._

A wild burst of fear seizes Hux, drives him forward to kiss Kylo oncetwicethrice, again and again and again, needing to catalogue the exact softness of his lips, the taste of him on his tongue.

“Yes,” Hux growls in between kisses, nearly turning into a whine. 

Eventually they pull away from each other, slow as molasses, and a gentle voice rumbles in his mind. _So will I. We’ll see each other again soon._

Hux doesn’t bother to correct Kylo by telling him he doesn’t know that for certain, just like he doesn’t stop himself from thinking _come back to me_ when he knows there’s a fair chance Kylo can’t make do on that. But, as they close their eyes and lean into each other, as they share one last breath and one last brush of fingers on skin, Hux can almost make himself believe it’s true.

When Kylo leaves, Hux follows him to the station, never letting his eyes off him until he’s on the ship and out of sight. As the ship takes off, Hux stands with the others left behind, just another bystander with an aching heart and flimsy promises clenched between his fists.

**Author's Note:**

> vague mission details are vague because i was sad and just wanted to write about pain and sadness, and not have to think about plotty details haha. writing this was therapeutic, and i feel much better now!
> 
> if you want to discuss more about these emotionally constipated idiots, pls say hi on my [tumblr!](http://ofamaranthlie.tumblr.com)


End file.
